I was raised by a tall, beautiful, ultra-glamorous mother, and one of the things she always told me growing up (other than “Always wear clean underwear, in case you get into an accident!”) was, “Always put your best face forward!”. Which translates to: “Don’t leave the house looking like crap.”
I think this is good advice, because after all, should I ever have the good fortune of running into Brad Pitt at the mall, I’d want to look my very best. So I’ve never been the kind of girl who leaves home looking sloppy. Hair will be combed, lips will be lipsticked, shirt will be ironed. That’s just me (and my mother wouldn’t have had it any other way).
| My fashionista mom at age 32, in Toronto. (ETA: My mother has informed me she was 29 in this picture. Sorry, mom! Didn’t mean to age you!) |
The scariest part about being published, other than reading reviews, is knowing that people will see me. A lot of pictures were taken of me at ThrillerFest, and they were floating around on Twitter and Facebook before I even made it back to my hotel room. It was mortifying; my first real reminder that I’m beginning to lose control over what people see – and read, for that matter. Somebody posts a picture of me having a bad hair day or sporting a double chin? Too bad, it’s out there. Somebody hated my book and wants the entire world to know how much it sucked? Too bad, it’s out there. (And of course I understand that my book isn’t me and I’m not my book, but it is a part of me, and I care what people think.)
I would have loved to remain this mysterious, slightly anonymous girl who Just Writes Books… because for a couple of years, I totally was. But that’s no longer realistic. S&S/Gallery is doing what they can to market CREEP, but a large chunk of that responsibility lies with me. And in this day and age where everybody and their grandmother is social networking, I can’t not put myself out there.
I may not be able to control everything people see and read, but I can control some of it, by putting my best face forward as much as I can. I don’t want potential readers to see my warts if I can help it (and I mean this metaphorically – I DO NOT HAVE WARTS, I SWEAR). So I do put a lot of thought into what I blog about, what I vlog about, what I post on Facebook, and what I tweet. It’s genuinely me, yes, but I can’t pretend that I’m not careful about presenting the best “version” of me, as much as I can.
So here’s my question for you, and this goes for writers and non-writers: How do you want people to see you? Are you the person you appear to be on your Facebook/Twitter/blog/website? Or is that just a version of you? And if so, which version?
Your mom and mine should get coffee and talk about how much appearances matter, because they have exactly the same idea, haha!
Sometimes I wish I was a bit more personal online as much as I am in real life – I'm a very handsy person (not in a creepy way…) and it's weird to have to have a less explosively outgoing 'version' of me online. I try to be as approachable/normal as possible, but I think sometimes the crazy leaks in and people get a little freaked…
This was a great post topic, Jennifer! And don't worry – we love you, (non)warts and all!!
Now that's an interesting point I hadn't thought about. I imagined that novel writing could be fairly anonymous but obviously with a blog and launching the book it will be the opposite of that! Good post :O)
I suppose I'd like to be found as quirky and fun. I do try and leave the house always looking my best but some days when you're in a rush it just doesn't happen!!!
I like to live by a line from the book/movie Postcards from the Edge.
I'm not a box. I don't have sides. This is it. One side fits all.
Online me is the me that combs her hair and puts on some lipstick before going out 😀
Nice use of a noun as a verb with the 'lips will be lipsticked' line. I know there's a word for that, but I'm not gonna look it up right this second.
I'm much more awesome online; if I ever make the big time and actually meet some of my followers, they will be so disappointed. I'm naturally an introvert, but with blogs I can post or comment when I'm in the mood to communicate. You can't really tell someone in person to come back later when you're feeling more talkative.
I think what Sophia said is accurate for me as well. I'm better in writing than I am in person. I tend to not talk so much in person.
I've been hanging out on-line on forums and blogs for years, but it wasn't until last February that I decided to get my own blog and use my real name. I also used a recent picture, though I've got sunglasses on. Hehe. It's the real me, but more like a veneer version.
I suppose you control what you can control and let the rest go.
Um, your mom reminds me of my mom! She was always so gorgeous and put together. Still is. She used to hate it when I bought thrift-store clothes during my grungy years.
I worry about that image thing too, but in the end, we're just human, not some nebulous fairy-writers with perfect skin and always the wittiest thing to say. Actually, that's what I like about blogging. Writer's real personalities show through, and that "veil" we hide behind turns out not to be so thick, after all.
You know what? I'd really like for people to concentrate on my story for a while before they think of the person who wrote it. I really don't think knowing what the author looks like is important. However I know this isn't realistic forever, but I feel my writing and the story behind it will be able to give people more than I will.
Since I've had to start really working hard to build my platform, I worry constantly about how I look/what I say. I really don't want any unflattering pictures out there. I'm pretty much "me" online, excpet I do censor my potty mouth. I have a tendency to swear. A lot. 😉
I think we all wear masks. The people that come off as genuine are just wearing one that closely resembles them. Most people are not comfortable with who they are and are, therefore, sure no one else would be comfortable with it either. Putting on our best face helps society by keeping us more civil than we would otherwise want to be.
Think of that crotchety old person down the street. You know the one. He/She is like that because they don't care about wearing the mask anymore.
That's an interesting topic. A public image is something very hard to control in the age of the internet. I guess you can only control what you can offer. Picture takers will always exist, facebook is always there. The only thing you can offer in that case is a smile and a good memory for a fan/colleague
But… I have warts!
This is an interesting post, Jenny.
First, and I mean this sincerely, you don't have a thing to worry about. I think you present yourself quite well. Appearance wise, your vlog post should squelch any misguided notions that you are not an attractive lady. Sorry if that embarrasses you.
Writing wise, your book proves that you are a damn good writer. Correction. AUTHOR. You have the entire package, and like I've said before, SHINE!
Me, on the other hand? I am at a crossroads. Luanne touched on something similar to this subject a few weeks ago, and I got entirely too personal and too wordy in my comment. I'll probably address my doubts in a post of my own. I am who I am and my blog, I think anyway, shows me for that same "I am." But I'm not sure if this is the right approach. Sheesh, here I go again. *Ending transmission* Hehe.
I guess I just have no pride. What I love about my job is that I don't have to look nice. I wear a scrub hat, so no one sees my hair. I wear a mask, so no one sees my face (except my eyes.) I wear scrubs, but so does everyone else. And the other great part – no one can recognize me outside of work. I'm definitely not the perfectly coiffed, pulled together type of person. I just can't do it.
Online…it's actually a more realistic version of me than in-person. I am not forced to "put on airs" to please people. What you see is what you get. I am most free to be myself – – especially since I am a (you guessed it) introvert. 🙂
I try to be as professional as I was in news journalism, because you never know who might overhear what you're saying, but I'm also learning that, unlike a reporter, I not only can let a little bit of my personality show through, I should.
I'm enjoying your thoughts on this!
@Caitlin: I'm "handsy" too (ie. I'll touch someone's arm when I'm speaking to them) and I have to be careful, because some people don't like to be touched!
@Madeleine: Am definitely feeling a bit more exposed these days, but in a good way. I'm trying to run with it. 🙂
@Jen: You ARE quirky and fun! And you couldn't look bad if you tried.
@Heather: Love that quote!
@Sam: Your "online me" is adorable, whether she wears lipstick or not. 🙂
@Sophia: I agree, it's nice to be able to comment/respond to others when you're in the mood – we don't always have that luxury in real life. Though somehow I suspect you're just as awesome in real life, despite you saying you're not…
@Luanne: Ah, veneer version! Great way to put it!
@Lydia: I went through a hip hop/baggy pants phase, which my mom HATED, LOL. And I agree, it's very hard to keep our real personalities from showing through – and we shouldn't.
@D.U.: Totally know what you mean! It would be great if it was just all about the stories. Unfortunately, a lot of readers are curious about their authors – I know I am. The best part of writing conferences for me is getting to meet my favorite writers in person.
@Amanda: High five for a fellow potty mouth! That is one thing I censor BIG TIME on the blog. I used to swear a lot in my earlier posts… I don't do that anymore. But I let 'er rip in real life. 🙂
@Budd: Ah, yes. My husband's grandmother took her mask off long ago and she said whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. Most of the time she was hilarious! But you're right, we all do wear masks in some form or another.
@Ben: The internet age has definitely changed the playing field. We now have instant access to everything we want to know, which is great, but also scary.
@Sarah: HA! Doubt that. 🙂
@Bryce: You're too kind. 🙂 But let me say, I envy folks who are able to truly be themselves online, in every way, like you. I was like that once, I really was, and now I'm much more careful about what I say. I miss the days when I didn't care so much.
@Katherine: I envy you! I actually miss the days when I wore a uniform to Catholic school, because I hate having to figure out what to wear every morning.
@M.E.: Wow, I'd never have pegged you for an introvert in real life! Interesting how the online you is more you than real life you 🙂
@Michelle: I think that's the exact right balance, Michelle. Be professional, but let your personality shine through!
Oh dear, that would rattle me a little. However, whenever I do something for writing, I keep a professional image … I hope.
I'm not as shy online as I am in person. I seem better at small talk in type than face-to-face.
I'm very careful about how I present myself. I show just enough vulnerability to be real, but I do it in a managed way. This counts in a whole lot of ways, and I think going into them in too much detail would probably cross that line, ironically. lol
Most often, this has meant biting my tongue and selecting my topics of conversation intentionally. I wouldn't say I often censor myself, but I give myself a bit of a narrow playing field so that I can't go too far astray.
And, a couple times, I have outright censored myself. I try not to be fake, but I have several times been silent. Mitigating defensiveness and over-protectiveness are two of the biggies.
All this comes pretty naturally to me, though, for better or worse.
Ask me privately if you ever want to know more. lol
I am pretty much myself in my blogging and tweeting, minus some cus words 🙂 I try to keep things mostly positive, so if I'm really frustrated with my writing or feeling down about something, I make sure not to carry on about it too long on my blog. I share my feelings, but tone it down a bit. But that comes naturally to me; I'm a positive person in general.
I have to be anonymous because of work rules. No wiggle room there.
I like it though, it gives me a freedom I have lacked most times in my life. I think I come across as an honest, interested, fearless, confident sort of person. I am honest, always 100%. I am interested, I love seeing and learning everything I can.
I am afraid.
It's out there. I am and have always been afraid how people see me. Not looks wise (I am pretty handsome) but how people think of me. Shallow, yes, but in the world on fast contact what else can you do?
It's deeper than that though.
Whether I was fighting a bully in school (I always got that job), or fighting a boxing match in front of 100’s of people at The Auditorium, fighting just wrapped hands in a basement in South Lowell, or playing a tennis match in front of my High School team, I was afraid.
Not fear of losing in that sense, but fear of what people would think or say if I did. It held me back from my best, and my best efforts.
I got a HUGE break in college. No one knew me! Fresh slate. I was free really. My Dad died in my sophomore year in college, sudden heart attack. It was all that brain dead but alive with tubes crap you see on TV but they can’t really get it right. He died.
My mom had a break down an left on a tour of the US states, I had nada. Still it was fine.
It all was fine until my brother died 3 years ago, pulmonary embolism after Achilles heel surgery. I also started blogging about finance at that time.
LONG story short, I am afraid. I live in fear that I might drop dead. I don’t do airplane flights longer than 3 hours (thrombosis!!). I could never have kids, then I would worry about them too!!!!
I have been lucky that my writings on finance have had some attention, but I fear I am over my head.
Sad state of affairs for an anonymous comment. Maybe my candor is a first step to getting over my fear.
Thanks Jenny for the inspiration.
GYSC
You've hit on the bit that most worries me about if (when!) I get published. Not so much the exposure (I think my blog is a fair representation of many sides of me and I'm pretty open about myself) but the lack of control. My biggest fear is malicious misrepresentation.
And I think the thing about clean underwear must be a "Secret Society of Moms" thing. I never quite understood it…after an accident, what chance that said underwear would still be clean?
My mom taught me very little about being presentable. Consequently, most pictures I take involve me looking insane or showing my uvula (that's not as dirty as it sounds). Instead she taught me how to wrestle baby pigs and make homemade sausage. Which may be why I now write romance.
Whoa mom!
As an anonymous blogger, I just want people to judge me by my thoughts and writings and not by what I look like.
On my real name FB account, there is a shot of me snow sledding and having fun with our kids–I want people to associate me as a father who takes playing seriously.
@M Pax: Ditto! I'm definitely better at small talk in type. In person, I'm actually not crazy about small talk at all, and I probably ask questions people would rather not answer.
@Nevets: I admire your effortlessness at presenting yourself exactly how you want to be seen. For me, it's a lot of work. And my personality always seeps in, whether I want it to or not. 🙂
@Alexia: I'm the same way – I'm usually pretty positive, and on the days I'm feeling lousy, I keep it to a minimum (though I will still blog about it).
@GYC: Thank you for your beautifully honest comment. I like this side of you. Be fearless, my friend. You're anonymous, so dance like nobody's watching!
@Botanist: Definitely nothing worse than being misrepresented. And I laughed out loud at your underwear comment!
@Julie: Uvula sounds like such a dirty word! I looked it up, and it's totally not, haha. Love how your mom inadvertently inspired you to write romance. 🙂
@Slamdunk: I often wonder what I'd say if I blogged anonymously. You sound like a great Dad.
Everyone I've met online, then in person, has said, "You're the same in person as you are online." I always reply, "Who else would I be?"
I can't pretend NOT to have a disability. You can tell the nanosecond you meet me (what with the w/c stuck to my backside). So do I care what people think of me? Sure. That's why I pile on the make-up…maybe they won't notice the chair. ; )
I've been thinking about having some professional pictures done for a while now, so that I can present my best face and image. You've given me a lot to think about!
Ellie Garratt
P.s. I've added your book to my wishlist.
posted a review and did a casting call for creep at My Alternate Reality
Look at your fashionista mom! She gave you good advice. I try to leave looking presentable, especially since I run into students all the time. But I've been known to not follow my own rule a few times.
I'd be worried about having random pictures around too. I'm not happy with pictures of myself when I can control them!
I guess this means you take me up on my blog challenge. That's okay. I didn't actually think you would.
Well, this is a very good issue to discuss. If I were in your shoes, I'd have the same concerns. How people perceive you is important, especially if it affects your livelihood. I don't think you have anything to worry over, though. You always look great. And your book is fantastic, though not everyone will think so. It's too subjective. I didn't like Water for Elephants at all yet the whole world seems to love it. Go figure.
As for how I want people to perceive me, well, I'm a WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. I try to never be anything or anyone other than who and what I truly am. It's way too much work and someone somewhere along the line will always trip you up.
So if you're true to yourself and are comfortable with that, then you'll be golden.
I certainly think you're golden!
@SoCalGal: You always put a smile on my face. 🙂
@Ellie: I hope you like the book! And professional shots are always a good idea.
@Theresa: When I was kid, I'd run into my teachers occasionally and it would so be weird seeing them outside of class, in casual clothes, with their own kids! It's like I forgot they were normal people, too!
@Nancy: Totally agree, it's a lot of work to present two different faces to the world. The best I can personally hope for is to be myself always, but perhaps show a cleaner, less potty-mouthed version of me on the blog. And you're too sweet!
Good question. I THINK I'm pretty much the same online as I am in person. I need to find someone who knows me online and in real life and ask them 🙂
Either way, I try to be a 'what you see is what you get' sort of person.
Ha, at first I read fast, and I thought you actually saw Brad Pitt at the mall, lol.
And yeah, I totally get what you're feeling now. I would be like that too.
And um, I *think* my flesh-and-bones self is similar to my online self? Dunno. Why don't you come and visit me and see if that's true? 😉
Jenny,
Your mom is so beautiful in that picture! I love everything about it, including the late 60s/early 70s coloring of the photo. I guess it's a generation thing. My mom had the same advice for me and it still very careful about her appearance.
I wouldn't worry too much about running into Brad Pitt. He hasn't been too presentable lately, ha ha! (mean joke, sorry.)
Hi there, I agree with Lorena– that photograph of your mother is classic and classy.
As for how I'm seen, I'm pretty much the same person no matter where I go so I guess I'll just keep being me, even if a gnarly pic or two get posted, somewheres.
I think, generally, everyone is too busy worrying about how they're being seen to care too much, anyway.
Takin' it as it comes,
-the still-obscure Girl Wizard 😉
I try to be as genuine as a can be. But in truth, most of us aren't really who we say we are. I can have a rather acerbic tongue, but I keep all of that in check when out in social networking land. Nobody would have anything to do with me if I didn't!
PS– I put up an article this week about recluses over at the Sisterhood. It runs along the same lines as your post.