Jennifer Hillier

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest

Sep 19, 2011 | Uncategorized

Before we get to the good stuff, Carrie Butler has won a signed hardcover of CREEP! Carrie, please email me at jennifer (at) jenniferhillier (dot) ca so I can mail out your book!

And now…

The ultra-cool Alex J. Cavanaugh has challenged bloggers everywhere to come up with a list of the 10 Worst Movies Ever. This was too much fun! Here are my picks:

10. Matrix Revolutions (2003)
At the risk of insulting Matrix fans everywhere, this movie (the final installment in the Matrix trilogy) was a strobe-light honey for me. You know how it goes. You’re at the club. Hot guy’s watching you from across the dance floor. It’s dark, you’re drunk, the strobe lights are pulsing, he’s a reasonably good dancer. So you do a little bump ‘n grind. An hour later, the lights go on, and you realize you’ve been rubbing up against Gollum the whole night. All that foreplay for a big fat letdown.

9. Congo (1995)
I had such high hopes for the movie, because I liked the book (written by Michael Crichton). But I could never suspend my disbelief in the theater. You just knew the little actors inside the gorilla suits were about to pass out from lack of oxygen, and I spent the whole movie wanting it to end so they could take the damn suits off already and breathe.

8. Unstoppable (2010)
One large, lazy dude who couldn’t walk fast enough to get back on a train that was going three miles an hour at the beginning somehow managed to spark a whole movie about an unstoppable train? No. Just… no.

7. Children of the Corn (1984)
This movie scared the bejeezus out of me when I was a little girl. But I watched it again as an adult and can only conclude that I must have been a slow kid, because this was the stupidest movie ever. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t suspenseful. Not all of Stephen King’s stories translate well to the big screen.

6. From Justin to Kelly (2003)
It pains me to admit I’ve even seen this movie, but I watched it because I was rooting for Kelly Clarkson during the first American Idol season. Between Justin’s terrible hair and the awful dance sequences, I have permanently lost brain cells. If the statute of limitations hasn’t run out, I may just sue to get them back.

5. The Perfect Storm (2000)
Neither George Clooney’s intense jaw-clenching nor Mark Wahlberg’s pecs could save this movie for me. It had potential – hundred foot waves, bunch of hard-working Massachusetts boys fishing to pay the bills – but everybody dies at the end. It’s supposed to be a true story, so who told the tale? Their ghosts?

4. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)
I’m so grateful there was never a Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues. This movie just wasn’t believable. Fred Ward, a grizzlier version of Richard Gere, couldn’t make Remo interesting. Joel Grey, who played his Yoda-like mentor, was a little man wearing guyliner and pound of pancake makeup. And the adventures? Not so adventurous.

3. The Love Guru (2008)
I’m a fan of Mike Myers, I really am. But this movie wasn’t funny, and the story had no hook. The best part of it was this scene (see below), but only because I love the song. My stepdad, Tim Allan, was the guitar and banjo coach for the film, and alas, not even his brilliance could save it.

2. Double Impact (1991)
Jean-Claude can’t act, all right? He can do a perfect split. He can rock a mullet. He can wear high-waisted jeans like nobody’s business. But he cannot act, so please don’t have him playing TWO characters.

1. Showgirls (1995)
The Best Worst Movie Ever. Elizabeth Berkley’s terrible acting, combined with her spastic nekkid dancing, Kyle MacLachlan’s annoying flop of hair (cut it or wear a bandana, dude), and Gina Gershon’s man-eating (and woman-eating) fake drawl – I honestly couldn’t look away. I saw this in the theater with friends when it first came out, and cry-laughed the whole time. I’ve seen it a few more times since on TV. Whenever I feel bad about myself, I always think, “It could be worse. I could be Nomi in Showgirls.”

Comment on this post to win a signed hardcover of CREEP! I’m giving away books all month long.

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