It’s been awhile since I complained about something, so I have some catching up to do. Here are the top ten random things that are bugging me at the moment:
10. Wimpy hugs. You want to give me a hug? Then HUG ME. None of this “I’ll put my arms around you but not actually touch you” or any kind of one-armed crap. HUG ME. If we’re friends or related, I’ll enjoy the hug. If we’re neither, then there’s a good chance I’ll punch you (if Steve doesn’t do it first). If you’re not sure what we are, then the safe bet is to shake my hand… but first, proceed to #9.
9. Wimpy handshakes. Girls, I’m specifically talking to you. Don’t give me your hand like you want me to kiss it. This is not sixty years ago, and I’m not a dude. Grip my hand. Firmly. Look me in the eye. Otherwise I might squeeze extra hard just so I can see the pained look on your face.
8. Not wearing deodorant. I don’t care how much of a tree hugging, deodorant-is-unnatural-I-love-my-natural-scent person you are, you stink. Go to WalMart, buy the cheapest brand you find, and use it generously.
7. Wearing too much perfume/cologne. I know you think you smell great. You don’t. You’re making my eyes water and that makes me hate you, so please, tone it down.
6. Cigarette smoke. It’s a free country, and sure, you can smoke (in designated smoking areas only, of course). But just know that you really really stink, even though you don’t think you do, and even though nobody’s ever said anything to you. I can smell the smoke on you, and being around you makes ME stink. Which is totally unacceptable.
5. Chewing with your mouth open. Do I really need to elaborate on this one? Close your mouth if there’s food in it it. I don’t need to know what a burger, fries, and strawberry milkshake look like all mashed up together.
4. One-sided conversations. Please know that you talking on your cell phone at a volume that’s 85% louder than normal and me not being able to hear the other person’s responses is so annoying, it makes me want to stab you in the neck with my fork just so you’ll get off the damn phone.
3. Telling me you don’t have time to read. Of course you’re entitled to never make time for reading, but why tell ME that? Obviously you’re trying to hint that you’re not going to read my book, and trust me, that’s totally cool. But telling me that you don’t read AT ALL? That just makes you seem like the opposite of cool.
2. Telling me I look tired. Especially when I’m not. Nobody likes to hear they look they tired, even if it’s true, so it’s best not to say anything at all.
1. Making it obvious you don’t like my cats. You probably don’t like my cats, and I can almost guarantee they don’t like you, but for the sake of keeping the peace, just act like you think they’re cute. It’s the polite thing to do.
What’s bugging you these days?
(You know what DOESN’T bug me? Success stories! Read how JB Lynn got her book deal! She tells all at Killer Chicks!)